Recently my 21 year old son has moved back into my home and
we had a big disagreement over his money. When I
realized things were getting heated up and I did not want my son to feel he had
to leave the house. I told him calmly
that we needed to talk about an issue that was bothering me and I only want to
help; therefore, I told him after he was done running his errands we will
talk. While he was gone I evaluated the
information I found out and was thinking how I was going to talk to him without
yelling at him. So when he came back I stated
what the issue was, why I was upset, and how I wanted to help get him back on
track. I laid out some solutions that
would help him manage his money and save some so he can get his own place to
live. We talked for an hour coming up
with solutions to help him and he was willing to try one of the solutions. The solution he decided to go with was leaving
his bank card with me and I would lock it up. Then he would only keep $30 cash
on him and the rest will go in the bank and he will not touch it. He also was willing to give me his password
so that I can check to make sure he was putting the money in his account.
I thought about the NVC skills when I was decided to talk
with my son about his spending habits. I
evaluated myself and how I would react to him by yelling at him for not saving
money and blowing it on whatever he wanted to buy. I also thought about my feelings on this
issue and his feelings how he would take me yelling at him, which was never
turned out good when he was younger either.
I try to understanding why he was not saving but was buying stuff he did
not need and then realized he was buying some clothes along with other things
he did not need. Then when we talked, I
clearly laid out the solutions to help him save money for his own place.
For those that have children old enough to be on their own
and are living at home with you again, can you see any other way I could have
handle this issue that would help me become a better communicator.
Hi Nina,
ReplyDeleteI like the way you handled this situation with your son. He has to learn how to manage his finances, but you did not "teach" him to manage his money, you made him an equal partner in deciding how to handle his money. My 25 year old son moved back home last year for about six months. We didn't argue over money, but there were issues about cleaning up and sharing housework. I yelled.. a lot. I could have used this course then!
I think your approach was mature and it helped him maintain his dignity. I'm sure he didn't like having his mom help him, but he knew he needed it and felt respected.
IT sounds like you handled this situation very well. I like how you were able to step back from the situation and look at all of the possibilities before jumping to conclusions or placing demands. It seems as if you have been able to maintain appropriate communication, which has led to positive conflict resolution within you relationship with your son.
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